I feel like I’ve been stripped down and I’m finally rebuilding myself.
I’ve shed all the ideas, conventions and expectations that I had for myself, that others had for me and that society had in mind for me too.
I feel like I’ve been through the worst, most painful moments of my life with the breakup and here I am, survived it. I wouldn’t say unscathed but I feel like I have this fearlessness and boldness now.
The things I wanted before, the things that kept me in my golden cage or held me back as fears don’t apply anymore. I don’t want them, I’m not in pursuit of them and I don’t see them as milestones that I need to complete.
I feel for once, absolutely well equipped to deal with ANYTHING that comes my way.
There is a reassuring comfort in this calmness.
It’s a little frightening to think that I might not have a fear of failure anymore because happiness is an absence of pain right? Which means I need to know pain. But if I’m numb to pain then how will I know when I’m happy?
That being said, I honestly don’t give a fuck now.
Obviously something bigger badder and meaner is coming my way if a break up is the most painful moment of my life but look at what I’ve come through already. Not many people can say that they’ve had their worlds ripped from them. Certainly not people that have walked my path or the ones that continue to walk the path designated for me.
I just want to take a moment to say look how far I’ve come and to look forward and take on the world.
For the first time in many months, I truly believe in that statement.
This was a culmination of many things. My ex messaging me to tell me she misses me every single day. The decision to not be held back by that pain and indignation anymore. The realisation that if I want the life I want I need to create it. The realisation that I’m no one’s employee. The realisation that I’ve been chasing a false prophet by returning to my laid out path. The realisation that I don’t need much to live on. The realisation that I don’t want to work in the field that I am in. The realisation that I have an abundance of other skills that can turn a profit. The realisation that I will be just fine at the end of all of this. A new normal is on the horizon, just be patient and diligently work towards it. You did it before, you’ll do it again.
‘I have infinite tenderness for you. I always will. My whole life.’