On leaving once more

I’ve decided to leave at the end of the year but will it be for 3 months or will I start my nomadic journey?

As I’m in the throes of another big life decision I’m suddenly not so sure of myself anymore.

I think I’m fearing the moving around every 3 months – the very essence of the lifestyle I want to subscribe to.

I think the visa restrictions are a constraint too and while I have been researching that I realise what I really want to do is just go back to my tiny city in my tiny European country. Why?

I spent so long railing against it.

I spent so long ‘accepting’ my fate and now the thing that I want to do most is return and settle again.

Is it because it’s comfortable?

Is it because that’s what I know?

Is it because it was a life interrupted?

As I look at my options to stay in Europe long term, I realise I am skirting and circling around my tiny European country but resigning to the fact that I won’t be able to settle there again….unless…

Unless an impossible situation comes to pass.

In the meantime, I will have to wander Europe for 3 months at a time unless I want to dedicate another 5 years of my life to ONE country.

I am not even sure of that country. I liked it the multiple times I have been there and the city I’ve picked is the same size as the tiny city that I was in. It has everything that appeals to me of my tiny city but it’s just not my tiny city.

I’m apprehensive of starting over again.

I’m apprehensive of moving around every 3 months.

I’m apprehensive of wanting to go back to my tiny city.

I’m apprehensive of not having a home base.

I’m apprehensive of staying in one place and this whole plan going to shit.

I’m apprehensive of not finding someone who wants to spend their life with me like this.

I’m apprehensive of finding someone who will derail my plans; again.

At the end of the day, these are all normal feelings and concerns.

I had these the first time I left. I also had a plan the first time I left. It fell to shit within 2 weeks and I ended up settling in a country I never intended to.


Photo by Simon Matzinger on Unsplash


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